Saw Elysium tonight. This review explains why socialist me would be inclined to see it. I found the movie really hard to watch though. While it's set in the future, all the misery it portrays is happening to so many people right now, and I can't imagine that many people watching this movie don't know that or aren't even experiencing some level of that misery themselves. Just take access to affordable health care and I am sure at least 75% of the people in that theater have made medical decisions based on cost at one point or another; I know I have. So what do they think, walking away from their evening's "entertainment?"

(This one is for you, V&B--curious what you think...)

I've been thinking this for a while, but now I'll just come out and say it: I don't think I like my neighborhood anymore. Even though I have lived here since 2002 (and David since 1996), even though we know so many people and even though Ruby was born in our apartment, I feel like a stranger on my own block.

On the corner of our block, two buildings down, a fancy new ice-cream store opened up a few weeks ago. We know the owner of the building and when we found out end of last year he had finally decided to lease his store front to an ice-cream store, my first reaction was that Ruby would throw a fit every single time we walked by it. (That hasn't happened--ironically I think their flavors are too elaborate and Ruby doesn't seem too crazy about it; although don't get me wrong, she'll agree to one in a heartbeat, it's just that she doesn't ask for one all the time.)

What I didn't expect was how much it would make me uncomfortable. It's not the first fancy store--a bagel store opened up on Vanderbilt earlier this year, and both new places are in line with new stores that have opened up in the last few years on our stretch of Vanderbilt Ave. Vanderbilt Ave is now the place to be. More and more people come here to hang out, to eat and drink. Our street is bustling on this warm Saturday evening, with people who don't live here, but come to visit.

Today while I was out, I even saw a few tourists and I know that is going to be a more frequent occurrence. We are close to Prospect Park, the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens, and the Brooklyn Art Museum. In about five years there will be a basketball stadium a few blocks away. There is a hub of big department stores ten minutes away by foot. I know I'm writing the real-estate brochure for my community and frankly, it sucks.

Because it's only my community if I'm upwardly mobile. Upwardly mobile despite the economic crisis and the city and state cutbacks. So primarily, but not exclusively, white. It's about class and race and I don't like the tensions I already see and feel.

Across from my building every summer some of the people living in those apartments live on the sidewalk. Right now M. from next door is out there with his friends, playing cards. They'll have a loud radio on and the kids will be out, hanging around. They'll be talking and laughing and kidding around. They will have loud opinions. They are all Black. I've seen mention of noise complaints on local neighborhood message boards. I can only imagine what the predominantly white ice-cream eaters, sitting on benches outside the store, are thinking of the folks across the street from them. I do know that M. and V.'s foster kids, like Ruby's friend M., can't afford to get that fancy ice-cream and join them on the benches, despite the warm muggy heat.

My family is seen as part of that tension however. Ruby went to a private school up the street for two years. We don't eat meat, so that when M. and V. invite us in for a bbq, there is some awkward distance. We're assumed to be upwardly mobile, I'm sure.

But I really do hope that we're also seen as a little different, despite appearances. Because we want to stay here and because we resent being pushed out by the rising cost of living (even though I recognize that our capacity to withstand that rising cost of living is greater, because of our relative privilege). So bring on that loud music. And thank you V&B for that bbq and for that first awkward moment of difference now being past us. Let's take this party to Coney Island!

Sometimes I wonder, when are we going to wake up from this all? Today I was waiting in line at the post office and my mind was wandering: why am I often the only white person at the post office these days, do all middle and upper-class white people ship online now, and how fucked up is that, and, wow, has education become so crazy expensive and inaccessible that this Black woman is inquiring about shipping some textbooks that look like they are about ready to get recycled? It just feels like the changes for the worse (I mean how long will that post office even stay open given budget cuts?), the bottomless pit that is most people's day-to-day living conditions, are a big farce, some kind of warped practical joke and someone will suddenly say, "got ya!"

***

These days I feel incapable of reconciling all my identities. I'm a mom, first, ever since Ruby was born. But before then I was, and still am, a feminist. A heterosexually coupled partner. A labor organizer. A daughter, sister (grandchild no more), and friend. An academic. White and middle-class, but also a worker subjected to a boss. A renter and a debtor. More recently an active parent member of Ruby's school. A patient in a therapy practice. Oh, and a revolutionary socialist.

But I can't wear all of these identities all the time. And while many of them overlap, the combination's change constantly. I'm often stuck in a tug of war between them and at the end of the day I often feel rattled and torn.

What baffles me is that I can't imagine I'm the only person struggling with this, even though it sure as hell seems that way most of the time.

***

I wrote, and then stopped writing, all of the above back in August. And now, in January, re-reading it, I'm shocked because I didn't know then how much worse my despair would become.

***

A few months ago, I read a science-fiction book about a post-oil world. It was amazing, but it scared me into an ever-deeper fucking depression. It's coming and it's coming fast. We're not prepared and any transformation to a post-oil reality will be harsh and revolutionary in the worst possible way imaginable and more.

***

A few weeks ago I turned to David, and told him, "we'll never see relative prosperity again in our lifetime." He agreed. Read this if you don't believe me: http://www.socialistproject.ca/bullet/454.php. So now what do I tell Ruby? All she knows about this fucked up world is that "fighting is bad" (aka wars) and that "Martin Luther King was a mighty mighty man" (her quote, really) and that some mean people shot him. Babe, it's gonna get worse.

***

I was getting coffee the other day and marveling at capitalist marketing gone out of control (=Starbucks) and then had to tell myself, "I'm just getting coffee, alright, let's not worry about rebuilding left unity for a minute." It was an awesome coffee, without frills, thank you very much.

***

Even when at the bottom of that dark pit of lost hope and disgust at the crap out there, I know, right down to my tippy toes, within the deepest confines of my whole body and whole self, that I'll keep at it. Here and there. That's pretty depressing, too. (Except for that part where I realized that more sleep helps me feel cheerful and cheerful makes for a happier home, so more sleep it is.)

***

I don't want any "it'll be alright," or "you have to take care of yourself, too" responses, please. However, kudos to whoever can suggest how I can get a deep wooden splinter out of Ruby's foot without her screaming bloody murder, because my revolutionary musings seem to come up short on that front, thanks! See, I know how to admit defeat when I need to.

 

Third interview tomorrow with the same union. They turned me down for one position, but apparently want to offer me another position.

It's a little intimidating going in for an interview without knowing what we're going to be discussing. So I asked Ruby for some advice.

-What would you do if someone asked you a question and you don't know the answer?
-I would say: "Can you please wait a minute?"
-Okay, and then what would you say?
-That I need a little time to think.
-That's smart advice. What then?
-Nothing.

That might work. Plus, I have an outfit ready for David to iron. So what I do know is that I have an awesome team here at home rooting for me!

Yeah, that's how I feel--like something big is going fall on me, but I don't see it coming! Things aren't all bad, but when something big like earning an income so I can contribute towards rent and food is up in the air, then I feel a little unbalanced. Here's a short list of what's going on:

1) Ruby was supposed to go back to school yesterday, but the Department of Health screwed up and school was closed until Monday. She wasn't too disappointed though. I arranged for one long play date day yesterday and she had such a blast playing with her friends Sadie and Clementine (I had all three girls in the morning and Sadie and Clems mom had all three girls in the afternoon) and today David took her to Fire Island. I was a little peeved though--if I'm going to be unemployed, I might as well get to enjoy some quiet time at home no?

2) I applied for unemployment benefits yesterday. It took all of 10mins online and another 10mins on the phone (not counting a 15min wait for a real live person). It felt like a great accomplishment. Doesn't take much these days.

3) I'm waiting anxiously for two employers to call me back with job offers, or not. Just any news would be good really. I think I have a pretty good chance, but the longer they take to get back to me, the more I become worried. It sucks to watch the phone like a hawk, scan my email constantly and have that nervous feeling in my stomach when another day goes by and no word.

4) I hate playing games when it comes to job-hunting. I know which job I want, but until I have an offer, I can't count on it, so I do everything to keep myself in the running for the other job. I'll never be a good con artist, so scratch that off my list of options.

5) I felt so awesome about my two interviews. They were the first real interviews I ever did. While my previous jobs gave me oodles of skills and experience, the organizations I worked for were so specialized and so politically on the margins of what most folks get, it was so hard to translate those skills into other workplaces. So to go into an interview and project confidence was hard. It took a few amazing people, David included, to get me to trust myself. I did eventually, and it felt good!

6) Ruby has grown like crazy, really, in the last few weeks. Sorting through her clothes and the huge piles of hand-me downs (so grateful for that) sucks--it's one of those quarterly chores I dread. I think she has four snow pants for this winter already set aside. So that's what I'm going to do next and I won't watch the phone or my email for a few hours.

Just a freebie pic from last summer's vacation to tie you over until we get back from this summer's vacation. Peace out.

I really need to start taking the camera places again, because this cellphone shot of Ruby's outfit does it no justice. Just picture her at Megan and EJ's house, where there is a huge hamper full of dress-up clothes and many many funny glasses to choose from and you can imagine one happy Ruby. So happy that she actually posed for this shot.

***

Ruby and David are off for a week. So while they are having adventures--like swimming in a freezing cold hotel pool in New Hampshire (en route to Maine)--I'm at home, kind of bored. I organized my office space (set up on the living room table we never use), I moved David's office space back to the room Jaya was using (we miss you Jaya) and I reunited bits and pieces of Ruby's toys that I have found scattered all over the place. Maybe I'll even start trying to remove princess and SpongeBob bandaids from the coffee table and tv stand in the living room (those bandaids have powerful adhesives, so it's not an easy task).

Next weekend I get to hop on a bus though, and join them on a beach in Massachusetts. In the meantime I have a last week of work, plenty of other meetings lined up and hopefully an episode of True Blood to keep me somewhat preoccupied.

***

It's hard talking with Ruby on the phone. We have wonderful conversations. Today she told me about the cold pool and then when David came on, I could hear her telling him in the background that she had already told me about the pool. Just like a teenager, you know. She has already learnt the art of pacing while on the phone, so I can imagine her, this almost four-year old, with a big cellphone glued to her ear, pacing back and forth in some hotel lobby and people smiling at my little girl as she chats and tells me whole stories. Sometimes she suprises me, because I assume it's David when I pick up and I can hear the delight in her voice when she brightly says, "Hi, Mama!" Already now she has mastered the conversation tricks, the hello, the "I love you," and the "bye, see you soon," sign-off. And then she's gone and I miss her so much.